Mike is the greatest man I’ve ever known. I feel so lucky that I get to be the one he shares his life with. 9/29/12 <3

I have so much good in my life right now. I have everything to look forward to, and I’m deeply exited for the future. But I also need to say that I feel so, so lonely. I moved away from the life I had with real friends, family, familiarity, and comfort. I did this to be close to the one I love. I don’t regret it and I would do it a million more times. But creating a new life here is turning out to be more difficult than I expected. I still have Mike, and when we’re together I am perfectly happy. But we don’t live together, and the days and especially nights we spend apart are all too quiet and lonesome. I thought I would have friends by now. Friends I can talk about my meaningless problems too and listen as they open up to me as well… but that has proven just be wishful thinking. I feel excluded from the group of close friends at work, I hardly know (or can relate to) my roommate and her many, many friends, and making friends any other way would end up making me look like a creep.

I suspect this feeling has partially come about from my fast approaching birthday. My friends from back home have moved on and the I know the people here really don’t give two shits about celebrating my birthday. I know Mike cares and it will be wonderful to just be with him to celebrate. Maybe I’m just tired… maybe I just homesick… maybe I’ve just lost my mind…

All I know is I needed to tell someone. This is the only way I could get it out without making someone feel sympathetic. That would be too shameful for me.

22 more days! So freaking excited! This will be the greatest experience in my life up to this point.

wuhan, hubei, china.

musicandlyricss:

The Voice Within-Christina Aguilera

credits: vintagestylexo; kognitive-impairment

“anywhere you choose to go.” I do get a choice, I will never let anyone take that away from me.

I love fairy tales ad love stories. Love at first sight, romance, needing another just to go on. I watch these movies and see the passion in their eyes, I see them go above and beyond to prove themselves to the one they love, I see the urgency they feel to make that person their own. Is it real? I want to be the love story someone reads about and envies. I don’t want to plan a responsible timeline for a flawless future. I want him to take a risk, a huge leap of faith that everything may or may not turn out exactly according to plan. I want him to need me now, the way I need him. It’s torture seeing movie men sweep movie women off their feet and run as fast as they can toward life witr nothing figured out but the love they feel for each other. Is it unreasonable to crave this impulsiveness from the one I love? And is it harsh to think there’s a reason he lacks this passion? I just want to be needed.

So I’ll dream.

Why the fuck would I be friends with people like you? We are nothing alike. You are a simple minded girl focusing on all the wrong things. We’re not into the same things. I can’t talk to you about anything important. You find the bad in everyone instead of looking for the good. You weren’t there for me at all when I was in my hardest times. You are self centered & you talk like a 12 year old. You didn’t so much as ask if things were going well for me. You don’t care about me so I’m done caring about you. I don’t have to be friends with anyone I don’t like. I will wait for real people. People that care about the right things. People that I enjoy talking to & spending time with. & if those people never find me, I’ll still be happier knowing I’m being true to myself.

I’ve been having a terribly hard time lately. These quotes have listed my spirits.

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”  -Kenji Miyazawa

“Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.” -Elie Weisel (this one reminded me of the people that caused the hard times, and the people that supported me when I fell)

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”  -Martin Luther King

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”  -Helen Keller

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” - Robert Schuller

”Arise awake and stop not till the goal is reached.” - Swami Vivekananda

”The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.” - Harry Golden 

Immerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think. Plant yourself on a park bench and look. Take a long, thoughtful road trip. Whatever you do, move away from anything that distracts you from contemplating your life and where you want it to go. In solitude, you should feel independent and self-sufficient, not lonely, needy or afraid. If the banter of co-workers, parents, friends, or strangers is getting you down, solitude can restore your sense of balance and inner calm, reminding you that you have a trajectory in life mapped out and that you’re marching to it, not to the worries, fears, and hearsay of other people.

I need to change my life in a huge way. It has become very obvious to me lately that my life is not the life I want. When someone asks me what my hobbies & interests are I have nothing to say. I live my life day by day… just enough to get by - just enough to pass the time. I have no idea how to depend on myself for my own happiness. I have no direction. I seek other peoples guidance and influence to learn how to live. I have read and shared my favorite poem from my favorite book so many times about knowing your own truth, but I don’t live my life that way. I do think that way - by not letting others influence my views on the world and not needing reassurance for my thoughts and actions - but if I were to live that way … I might have an identity of my own. My life and mood will then start to change for the better. I have been so down lately that this may be the thing to finally change it. And finally! I’ll be making it better by myself. My whole life leading up to this point I have been completely dependent on the people closest to me to bring my spirts up. And that would be why I get so angry and depressed when people blow me off or don’t have time to talk to me or can’t do what I need them to do in order to make me happy. I need my independence to finally turn my life around. So hopefully the next time I have to describe myself I won’t get so flustered because I don’t have a single thing to tell them. I work, I go home, I watch TV, I go out … I pass the time. That’s no way to live. So here’s to me. Here’s to Darci on her own. Let’s find out who she really is.

Why does life have to be so hard? And why does everything bad have to be piled on you all at once?

I can’t handle this.

Sometimes all that I want is to grow up. To move on to the next chapter in my life. That’s all I can think about. Where I’ll be, what I’ll be doing, & who I’ll spend it with.

Then I get scared. Then I retreat back to years ago when I didn’t have a worry in the world. When I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it & be completely carefree. And then that’s all I want.